Uchiura Drive - Japan's Numbering One Motoring Program!
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: Today on Uchiura Drive: Chika, Riko, and You have an urban race through a crowded city. (Or, the Top Gear AU no one asked for…)


**AN: In case you don't know...**

 **This is a parody of Top Gear / Grand Tour, a show that's usually about cars and all the crazy/cool things you can do with them when you have money. The show is run in a presentation style format, where the hosts present multiple short films and there is no fourth wall. What this means is that when the girls talk, it's usually to you, the audience, AKA you the reader. I won't say you need to know the show to understand this, (maybe the omake), but it would definitely help.**

 **Quick Disclaimer - The vehicles in this story are intended to be completely fictitious.  
**

* * *

A small yet sleek silver smart car pulled into the parking lot, the driver's side door opening as Riko emerged from her vehicle. "I know what you're thinking," she said, slamming the door shut and looking into the camera. "Smart cars do not win races. And normally, you'd be right, because you don't buy a Solarion Arrow LX-3 to go fast."

"You might be wondering why I would pick this if its zero-to-sixty acceleration is abysmally high, and it's top speed is only 96mph. Let me remind you all that we're driving in the city. That means there will be lots of traffic, lots of waiting at traffic lights, and lots of stopping because pedestrians are inconsiderate and will run in front of you. The Arrow is small, able to dart into and out of many places, and its fuel efficiency is 55mpg on the road, rising even higher on open highway." She gave a small smirk. "I may spend a lot of time stopped, but I can guarantee it won't be waiting in line for a gas station."

Just then, the roar of an engine pierced the air, and Riko looked off into the distance, her mouth hanging open as a motorcycle zoomed next to her, a familiar ginger atop it with a smile.

"Hey, Riko-chan!" she called out, "What do you think?"

Riko could only gape as Chika stepped off her vehicle, her gold eyes trailing up and down a dark, form-fitting riding suit. "It's... very becoming on you," managed Riko, wiping away a spot of drool.

"You really think?" asked Chika as she started posing. Her face donned a mischievous smirk as she noticed Riko's obvious desire. "You know," she said, leaning in close to the redhead, "If I keep wearing this, maybe you'll be coming on me too," she flirted with a wink.

Riko blushed a storm of red, trying to stutter out some intelligible response as Chika looked over her car. As the ginger made the expected disparaging comments about her choice of vehicle, Riko finally found something to complain about, or rather, a lack of something to complain about. "Where's your helmet?" she demanded, now glaring at the ginger.

"Meh," waved off Chika, "Don't need one."

Riko couldn't believe her ears. "Of course you need one!" she scolded. "Chika, you've never ridden a motorcycle before in your life! You're going to hit something, or get hit, and the least you could do is wear a helmet!"

"Don't wanna," refused Chika, sticking her tongue out.

"Why would you even pick a motorcycle anyway?!"

"...Because speed wins races," said Chika slowly as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Riko opened her mouth to retort but instead let out a shriek as a tall stone wall behind them burst into a hail of rock and concrete as the third vehicle made its entrance.

"Whoa...!" said Chika approvingly as the dust began to disperse.

Riko only looked up when she was sure nothing else was going to explode, and when she did, her jaw dropped for the second time that day. "Oh my god...!"

Rolling to a stop before them was the massive, tan-brown frame of a battletank. As its engine died, a hatch opened up top, and out popped You, the brunette clad in the traditional uniform of the armed forces.

"OhaYousoro!" she greeted, pulling herself out of the tank and clambering to the ground. "Temporary Conscripted Tank Driver Watanabe You, reporting for duty!" she declared, saluting them.

"Wow You-chan, the uniform looks really nice on you," complemented Chika as she looked over the brunette's form approvingly.

"Thanks Chika-chan. I like the riding suit. Very sexy," replied You as she ran a finger down Chika's chest.

"I know, right? Riko-chan thinks so too, but she won't say it," pouted the ginger. "Though she did say she'd come."

"Oh really?" asked You, extending her finger-probing to full on groping. "That's quite bold..."

"I did not!" shrieked Riko, finding her voice. "And You-chan! What the heck?!"

"Great idea, right?" said You with an oblivious and winning smile on her face. "No one's gonna want to get in the way of a tank!"

Riko could only gape as Chika and You kept chatting, unable to say anything.

"Wait, Chika-chan," frowned You, "Where's your helmet?"

...And after a few more minutes of mindless arguing, they were off.

Chika started by revving her motorcycle to the max, shooting down the road, the wind whipping her bright orange hair into a frenzy.

Riko shook her head and just drove like a normal person.

You turned her tank and pressed the gas pedal for all it was worth, plowing through another stone wall without a care in the world.

* * *

 **-With Chika-**

Chika sped along the city streets on her motorcycle, dodging and weaving in and out of traffic. In between her unusually skillful handling of the bike, she glanced down at the camera mounted on the handlebar, with the express purpose of addressing the audience.

"In case you didn't notice, I'm actually wearing a helmet," she reported from beneath her night-black headwear. "And I actually kinda know how to ride a motorcycle. I know I'm often painted as the stupid one, but even I have flashes of common sense every now and then."

She revved the motorcycle, passing a nearby truck at a difference of at least 25mph.

"I really want to win this race, especially since I lost to Riko-chan last time, so I've been preparing for a while. I even took motorcycling lessons in secret, telling them I was just out getting mikans. I don't know why that worked, but apparently it did. I wonder what that says about my image?" She shrugged away the thought.

"See, what you all saw at the start was Chika's patented psychological warfare!" Her red eyes flared as she was hit with an idea. "Chikalogical warfare! ...No, that sounds stupid. Anyway, the point is that You-chan and Riko-chan will be worrying so much about my safety, they won't be paying much attention to the actual race! Which means I get a free victory! And it will be sweeter than mikans."

"...Actually no, almost as sweet. Nothing is sweeter than mikans."

* * *

 **-With Riko-**

Riko drove normally along a crowded street, hitting the brake as proper when the light ahead of her turned yellow. She slowed to a halt, letting the engine idle as pedestrians swamped the crosswalk. Inside the smart car, she sighed.

"On behalf of all of us at Uchiura Drive, I would like to profusely apologize to the inhabitants of this city for what is about to unfold." She sighed again. "Or what may have already unfolded." She looked to the audience-camera mounted on the other side of the car. "Yes, I truly have this little faith in Chika-chan and You-chan. This is the single most ridiculous race we've ever had."

"Why couldn't they have been this destructive in the last race and gotten it out of their systems? We were in an arctic tundra with almost no civilization for miles around!" She frowned and pouted her cheeks in recollection. "Though I would rather Chika-chan pick a motorcycle over a dog sled any day," she grumbled, thinking back. Those memories were obviously not good for her, despite her victory.

She sighed once more. "But no, they have to do stupid things when there are all these people around. Really now. Chika-chan's going to kill herself, and You-chan's going to kill everyone else!"

* * *

 **-With You-**

A stone wall exploded, showering the sidewalk and street with dust and debris as pedestrians ran away screaming, cars flooring it to get out of the way of wanton destruction. The tank lumbered onto the pavement, smashing the taillight of a parked car as it turned onto the main road.

Inside, You was having a blast. "See?" she asked aloud, "No one wants to get in the way of a tank!" She moved her hand from one lever to another, doing something to work the tank, before looking to the audience-camera with a wide and toothy grin. "And since I didn't get any time to do it earlier, let me introduce you to this baby!"

"This," she said, loudly patting a metal panel, "Is the M1A12 Arashi-Abrams main battle tank. With a top speed of 47mph and a fuel efficiency of about half a mile to the gallon, this is the single least eco-friendly vehicle we've ever had on our show. But damn does it feel amazing to drive!"

The tank turned a corner, smashing into an elaborate metal fence and severely pruning someone's bushes. It continued with its turn, bashing aside a fire hydrant, apathetic to the veritable geyser of water that sprung up from the newly-created aperture.

"And check this out," continued You, heedless of the chaos left in her wake. She put a hand over a lever and began pushing. On the exterior of the tank, the main cannon began rising, slowly tilting upwards as the heavy barrel pointed to the sky. "The main gun has an extensive field of fire, able to shoot at an 85 degree angle!"

She laughed. "It's like you can shoot the sky if you wanted to!"

* * *

 **-With Chika-**

"You know, I just remembered," said Chika, as she steered the motorcycle off the road and onto the concrete walkways of a park. "I never introduced my bike!" She laughed. "Some host I am, right? Anyways, this little beauty is the Axalara T9. It's the very first motor vehicle ever built by The Lego Group, and I've gotta hand it to them, they did a really nice job given their background!"

The motorcycle zoomed off the path onto the grass, where Chika nearly ran into a couple trying to have a nice, relaxing picnic. "Top speed is 140 miles per hour, which should be almost one and a half times whatever Riko-chan's getting. It accelerates to sixty in nine seconds, and it- oh!" Chika's eyes lit up noticeably, even through her helmet.

Ahead of her, just slightly out of the way of her motorcycle, was a hotdog cart.

"I've always wanted to do this!" she exclaimed.

Revving her bike, she sped up even faster, precariously angling herself towards the food stand. The distance between them got shorter and shorter until finally, Chika grinned to herself and popped up into a wheelie, sticking an arm out and snatching away a hotdog from the shocked purveyor and her equally surprised customer.

"I did it!" laughed Chika as she sped away, seemingly getting away with her ill-gotten gain. She went to put the hotdog to her mouth, but stopped as the almost-sandwich met plastic. "Aww..." she lamented, "I can't eat this with my helmet on..."

.

.

.

"Man, that was a good hotdog," said Chika as she rode slowly out of the park back onto the city streets. She gave a small burp as she revved her motorcycle again, ready to plow through traffic.

Turning a corner, she slammed her foot down on the brake as she was met with a wall of cars. Like, a literal wall of smashed cars were piled up at the intersection of the next block, and the cars in front of her were honking madly at the obstacle.

"What on earth?! Now what am I supposed to do?"

Chika huffed at the complete lack of progress, crossing her arms in annoyance. Then her annoyance was replaced with confusion as something caught her eye.

"Oh, there seems to be a path here where there are no cars or anything. I wonder why?" She shrugged. "Well, a shortcut is a shortcut!"

Without further consideration, Chika turned towards the empty pavement and gunned it.

* * *

 **-With Riko-**

Riko sighed as she slowly inched forward, just enough to guarantee her place as the second car through the wall of smashed wrecks once the police officers started waving her lane through. She turned to face the audience-camera.

"I wonder what happened here," she deadpanned sarcastically. She furrowed her brow in aggravation as she formed a fist and lightly pounded the steering wheel. "I don't think You-chan even knows what subtlety means! It's not like we can afford to pay off the residents of the entire city, not on a single episode's budget. This might have been fine if this was one of our specials, but no! She has to pull this stunt during a regular episode, where all this destruction and hassle will get cut into a twenty, twenty-five minute film that won't even fill up half our time slot!"

The redhead took a quick break from her ranting to shift gears as the massive SUV in front of her began moving, an azure-clad policewoman waving her through. She tried to avoid looking overly upset or apologetic, focusing that energy into finding a lane once she passed through the opposite wall of wrecks.

"I guess all I can do is trust our production team to handle things when they get _really_ out of hand..."

Riko sighed and hit the brakes yet again as she came to another red light, the few hundred meters of free road coming to a disappointing end. She slumped forward onto the steering wheel. "...You know, even though I love this car's fuel efficiency, it gets _really uncomfortable_ once you've been in here a while." She shifted the car into park and started stretching as much as she could in the cramped interior, letting out all sorts of groans.

A honk jolted her out of her calisthenics, and Riko looked to see the light had changed. "Sorry!" she called out before driving away.

* * *

 **-With You-**

"So... there's been a small incident," reported You, noticeably not looking into the audience-camera as a small amount of red flared on her cheeks. "But it's not my fault!" she claimed. "All the blame lies with everyone who, instead of driving away like normal people, decided to get out of their cars and run away on foot."

She scoffed. "I mean really, why would you just leave your cars there? I certainly won't be held accountable. How else am I supposed to get through the intersection?"

You made a hard right and the tank suddenly veered onto another street, bashing open a mailbox and sending letters scattering through the air. One such letter managed to end up stuck on the tank's forward facing external camera, essentially blinding the brunette.

"Well that's annoying," said You. "Thankfully, just like any regular car, this tank comes equipped with windshield wipers." She flipped a switch and the letter was brushed off effortlessly. "Or I guess they're camerawipers in this case?"

"Hey, that gives me an idea! There's a lot of other buttons and switches in this tank that do other cool stuff. Like this set of controls over here changes the forward camera display."

You grabbed a small camcorder and held it up in front of her, showing the display she looked at to tell where she was going. (Because no self-respecting tank has windows.) When the brunette hit a switch, the display changed to a bright grayscale. Then with another switch it changed to purple and orange. With more switches came more color scales. "This can show night vision, thermal vision, and a lot of other things I can't even pronounce!" She switched the display back to normal and put the camcorder down.

"I bet your car can't do that, can it?" She laughed. "But let me show you something your can can do. This is actually special, 'cause I got to customize it!"

You hit another button. Outside, the tank's horn sounded, playing a very musical melody instead of the expected alert signal.

"That's right! Instead of honking cars, I now get to play the chorus of _Bokura wa Ima no Naka de_!"

* * *

 **-With Chika-**

Chika zoomed through the subterranean passage, crowds of people literally throwing themselves away from her as the sound of her motorcycle's engine echoed loudly off the white tiled walls.

"Um... Update!" she practically shouted so she could be heard above the acoustics. "That shortcut was not a shortcut! It led to the subway!" The ginger kept up her speed as her motorcycle crushed a bag dropped by some unfortunate salaryman. "And I couldn't stay on the rails! If a bullet train came along I'd be a splattered mikan!"

"So I don't know where I am! But I am still in this race! I just need to find a way to the surface!" She glanced around. "Maybe I can just follow the emergency exit signs?!"

A few scenes went by with Chika smashing through a ticket turnstile and scaring the crap out of literally everyone. Then Chika's face lit up as she found the stairs she was seeking and, popping a wheelie, she zoomed up the step-wise slope with minimal speed loss. There were more screams from terrified pedestrians as she practically flew out of the subway into the bright light of sunshine, the ginger giving a great whoop of joy as she landed.

"Victory is mine!" she bellowed.

* * *

 **-With Riko-**

"I can't stand it anymore!" cried Riko, her immense discomfort manifesting in her constant fidgeting. "AHH! This car is _super uncomfortable_! What idiot greenlit this thing for mass production?! It's like sitting in a safety helmet held within a child's booster seat made of brick and cheap plastics!"

Her fist slammed into the horn. "Get out of my way I need to park and get out!" she hollered.

Utilizing every bit of her driving expertise, Riko wrung every scrap of power from her engine with her lead foot, dodging in and out of traffic like a madwoman.

Eventually, the redhead managed to find an empty space devoid of things like cars, pedestrians, and proper parking spots. Without hesitation, she threw the car in park and kicked open the door, practically falling out of the smart car. She jumped around and danced wildly, shouting her relief to the heavens above, before collapsing in a heap in the well kept grass of the public park.

Several seconds later, she picked herself up and brushed herself off, blushing as she tried to regain some semblance of dignity. She cleared her throat. "Ahem. That is, this car has another unexpected drawback that would significantly impact any prospective buyer's opinion greatly."

The sound of barking froze her solid. Slowly, she turned to see a little corgi, no taller than a foot, staring up at her with beady little eyes. She blinked. The dog blinked back.

"KYAAAA!" screamed Riko, running away as fast as her legs could carry her. The dog, of course, followed.

* * *

 **-With You-**

Outside the tank, an array of lights suddenly blasted their full illumination, blinding many and causing unlucky pedestrians to slap their hands over their eyes and look away from the metal menace.

"Okay, so that button triggers the headlights," mused You within. Exercising her mercy for everyone outside, she flicked the lights off. "What does this triangle button do?"

A low alert sound bleeped within as warning lights flashed red, much to You's confusion. Behind her, a screen turned on as it scrolled the text 'Missile Defense System: Activated'.

"Eh?! This tank has a missile defense system? Cool! I wonder how that works?" A series of electronic bleeps started sounding out, and You hurriedly flicked the button again to deactivate the system before it could do something regrettable. "Ah, m-maybe I should leave that one alone..." she chuckled nervously. "I don't want to ruin anyone's day."

The irony was lost on her.

The brunette looked over another set of controls, her eyes lighting up as they settled on the next button to push. "This one looks important! It's all big and red!" Without a second thought, she pushed the big red button.

BOOM!

A shudder rocked the interior of the tank, You looking everywhere wildly to see what the hell she had just done. Her gaze fell on another screen showing camera footage from an upwards facing external camera, eyes popping wide and jaw dropping as she saw a trail of smoke coming from her tank's main cannon.

"D-Did I just...? I-Is that...? T-The cannon was actually loaded...?!"

Shocked beyond comprehension, You turned nervously to the audience-camera, then back to the live external feed, then back to the audience-camera again.

"F-Full speed ahead! Yousoro!"

She slammed the gas pedal, shifting her attention to the ongoing race. Because You was more than willing to fire and forget.

* * *

 **-With Chika-**

The motorcycle streamed through traffic fluidly, Chika's excitement near tangible with every meter she crossed. "I can see the finish line!" she shouted, "I can see it!"

And because simply riding there would just be boring, Chika drove her bike up a ramp, jumping off the motorcycle to a rough and rolling landing on the hard concrete as the bike itself smashed into the dolphin tank of the city's local aquarium. Three thousand gallons of water spewed forth, flooding the street and knocking down every pedestrian in range.

At the very least, the dolphins weren't putting on a show at the moment and were thus safe in their own pools.

"Nailed it!" shouted Chika as the water somehow carried her gracefully down the aquarium's stone steps.

"Huh? What's that?" she wondered as her eyes caught a strange object in the sky. "Oh! Did someone shoot a firework to celebrate my victory?"

Then the 'firework' started arcing towards the ground...

* * *

 **-With Riko-**

"Okay," started Riko, gasping as she returned from her harrowing escapade, "I'm back..."

She stopped for a while just to catch her breath, before finally letting out another sigh. "I can't even blame that on either of the others... I've probably already lost at this point, but I still might be able to take second."

Then her car was hit by a tank shell.

KABOOM!

Riko could only stare open mouthed at the utter destruction arrayed before her. Where once a shining if uncomfortable silver smart car once stood was now a large, smoking crater. Bits and pieces of plastic and metal littered the surrounding soil, several small flames completing the picture of carnage.

Shock gave way to delayed hysteria as the redhead realized just how close to death she had come, and she began screaming.

"YOU-CHAN! _YOU-CHAAAAAAAAN_!"

* * *

 **-With You-**

The brunette sighed as the tank rolled to a halt before the picket set up by the police barricade.

"Yeah, I figured this would happen. If I'm honest, I'm actually surprised this didn't happen sooner."

She spared a glance at the audience-camera. "And with that, it's back to the studio."

Then, You clambered out of the tank to meet her fate.

 **~END~**

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.

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 **Omake #1:**

"You-chan! What are you in for this time?" asked Chika as You sat down next to her in the holding cell.

You shrugged. "Destruction of public property, destruction of private property, irresponsible handling of a vehicle, and illegal discharge of a firearm. I'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones. Much the same as you, I expect."

Chika nodded in understanding. "I didn't get the firearm one, but I did get thievery."

"What?"

"Yeah I stole a hotdog. Apparently someone cared enough about that hotdog to press charges."

You hummed in acknowledgement. The two of them sat there, waiting for Riko, their designated jail-breaker.

After a few seconds of silence however, Chika gained a sly smile as she got an idea. "Hey You-chan," she said turning to the brunette. "Before Riko-chan gets here, want to see if we can add public indecency to that list?"

The brunette gave an incredulous look towards Chika, but the ginger responded by wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. You laughed and invited Chika to sit on her lap. "Yousoro~!"

A few minutes into Chika and You's impromptu makeout session, the cell door opened with a clang. The both of them looked up to see Riko standing there expressionless.

"Riko-chan! You came to get us out!" cheered Chika.

Wordlessly, Riko walked in and sat beside them, the cell door closing with a slightly more ominous clang.

"What?!" exclaimed You, "Riko-chan, what happened?!"

The redhead turned to the others. "Apparently leaving a destroyed vehicle in a public park counts as littering."

* * *

 **Omake #2:**

"Some say... she was evicted from the seventh circle of hell because she couldn't pay rent... and that her refrigerator is only stocked with Sunny D and two liter bottles of lube... all we know is, she's a Fallen Angel!"


End file.
